Missing.

I don’t know if it’s because Gavin is getting older, if it’s because of the holidays quickly approaching…but lately, I’ve really missed my dad.

He’s been gone for five years, but it still often feels like it was just an awful dream.

As we were driving home from Gavin’s PFTs last week, I had the urge to call my dad and tell him all about the fantastic results. But oh…I can’t. It was odd, my dad passed several years before Gavin’s birth, so who knows why the thought even crossed my mind.

As I rock Gavin up and down rock star style while singing my dad’s special version of “Rock A Bye Baby” I always wish that it was my dad rocking him, not me. I have countless memories of watching him rocking other giggling babies, singing his silly song…but he’ll never be able to rock my baby.

When Casey and I sit down and discuss what we’ll be getting everyone for Christmas gifts that year…it’s always frank reminder that my dad’s not there. No need to get him a gift anymore.

As Gavin grows, and tries to sneak over to the Christmas tree far too early on Christmas morning…I will always be brought back to my dad’s booming voice commanding us to get back to our rooms.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I do as my dad asked. To keep on living and not spend time being sad over him being gone. But when I least expect it, I have a total, 100% break down.

I never got the opportunity to have an adult relationship with my dad. To ask his advice about “grown up” sticky situations I have to overcome. He never got the chance to be a grandpa, and let me tell you…he would have been the best grandpa ever.

Every year around the holidays and father’s day the shirts line the store aisles…”best grandpa” or “number one grand dad…” My dad would have worn those tacky shirts with pride. He always wore the interesting shirts my brother and I would pick out for him until the holes outnumbered the amount of fabric left, and I have a feeling that he’d have been even more proud to wear one given to him by Gavin.

I’ll never forget one of the rare times I saw my dad crying. When he told me that he knew he’d never get the chance to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. To this day, I leave the room when a bride and her dad have their first dance, don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sit through one of those.

So maybe it’s knowing that neither Casey or Gavin will ever get to meet him. Maybe it’s Gavin getting older and realizing how much his family members love him. Maybe it’s the upcoming holidays. Maybe it’s our upcoming wedding…but lately, I really…really…really miss him.